Yeah, it's getting to be that time. Thanksgiving is just two weeks away, and then hardly a month later comes Christmas. I don't know why, but I always seem to be down around the holidays. It doesn't make sense to me. I act like I'm happy. I tell myself I'm happy. But deep down, I don't feel happy. The holidays are a time of joy, togetherness, and celebrating. Yet while I'm doing all that, I never feel it the way I should. Sometimes I'm convinced I'm an extremely amazing actress. I can fool others into thinking I'm okay. Hell, I can even convince myself that I'm okay. Yet when I really sit here and think about it, it really is all a lie. I go with the flow. I just go with it all. I wish that one of these times I'd be sincere about being happy. Maybe it's the fact that I do a lot of stuff by myself. Who knows.
Ever since I was younger and saw how two faced people really can be, I've always felt like they're the same way toward me. Hence why I do a lot of the things I do alone, or even like being alone at all. Sometimes I really don't like being alone, but I'd rather be alone than lied to, because either way I'd still end up alone. One way, though, wouldn't involve lies and the unnecessary stuff.
This Christmas will be the first time I have to come home in order to celebrate. I don't like that. I like being home already where I can see my grandma every day if I want to. She's 91 years old, and we're all so scared she's not going to make it much longer because ever since my Aunt Catherine (her sister) died, she has started really going downhill. Her sister was her support, her lifeline, her everything. I'm so worried. This constant stress of her has started weighing down.
Also, this time last year was the happiest I'd been in my entire life. I know I've mentioned it so many times, but this weekend makes an entire year. I'm so over that person, but not how I felt at the time. That feeling I had was the greatest feeling ever. It's taken a year, and though I've gotten really close to it, I still haven't gotten IT. Then again, when you're head over heels for someone and things diminish, it takes a lot of time to ever feel something like that again. Mainly because of the walls you learn to put up so you never feel as hurt as you did when it ended. I'm glad things turned out the way they did, I just wish I could get that feeling back. I'd give anything pretty much.
Today is my Aunt Mary's birthday. My family is very close and for birthdays we always get together and celebrate. My family is my life, and, though I may not have shown it in the past, they mean the entire world to me. It really sucks to know that I'm 200 miles away right now instead of at my grandmother's, having a birthday dinner with the family.
This post is pretty pointless- I'm just getting things out there that have been on my mind so much lately. I felt it is time to let these things out, because keeping stuff bottled in is never helpful, nor is it healthy.
I'm going to Chicago for New Years. I don't care if I fly or I drive with some people- I am going. I haven't told many people about this trip, because I really don't want many people to know. I just need another break. This North Carolina air has me so clogged up and I just need some fresh air to breathe. Like I said, I've had so much on my mind. Some of it I don't even feel safe writing in here. That's how much shit has been on my mind. A couple people reading this know, though.
I miss my old best friend more and more every day. Danielle and I have been friends since I was 6 years old. We never EVER got into a fight. We always worked things through if we disagreed on it, or picked on each other until it didn't even matter anymore (never mean picking, always joking). We used to be inseparable. She and I could tell each other EVERYTHING and not worry about anyone else knowing. She was the one person I always felt 100% comfortable with and didn't worry about her talking behind my back about anything. A friendship that lasted that long wouldn't be a fake one. It kills me to know that ever since she started dating Derek, our friendship started falling apart. And it's taken me about 6 months, but I have realized a lot of it is my fault. When she would try talking to me about stuff, I just took it as the same stuff she always talked about and would brush it off. I went through a phase where all I cared about was myself. I didn't think anything of it, but it really pushed away the one friend I had that was greater than any other I'd had in my entire lifetime. She put up with all the bullshit going on in my life (the guys included), the 400 mile move I made, and the fact that we had to go from seeing each other multiple times a week to seeing each other only 3 or 4 times a year. She put up with so much, and I didn't realize how grateful I was to have her in my life. No one will ever understand how much this girl meant to me, and always will. It REALLY sucks because I'm constantly having dreams about us being friends again and everything being perfectly fine. Then I wake up and remember that we're no longer friends. And haven't been for the last six months. The last time we talked, we got into a huge fight via texting while I was in Florida on vacation.
I think I'm done wasting your time with this post. I've just had all of this bottled up. It may not even make sense to you, but it does to me. And it all has been nagging at my throat and my brain. I wish I could just rid my brain of so many things that have happened in my life, as well as a lot of people.
