Acoustic music and rain

always seem to go together so well.

Anyway, about two hours after my last post, Zac and I broke up. Things for the last month and a half have been sooo crazy. We're finally back to where we should be. I love him. He loves me. We'll always love each other. ALWAYS. Nothing can take that away. We just started hanging out like two weeks ago, and now we act toward each other like we never broke up, which is fine with me. He moves tonight to TN, like 30 minutes from Boone. I'm so not ready to say "see you later" to him. It doesn't feel real. I stayed with him last night for like the third time in a week or so. It's been so nice to be able to sleep next to him again. I've missed him being there, and now he's going to be like 5 or 6 hours away. Granted, I go back to Greensboro in two weeks and then he'll only be like an hour and a half or two away from me. Plus he's living in the mountains. He's changed so much over the last few months- all for the better. He's going back to school, he has a place to live, he has a job up there. He really needed a change from Wilmington and I'm so proud of him for getting that change.

Anyway, I graduate from CFCC tomorrow night, and will finally have my associates degree. Not to say I'm done with school (I wish I was), I just wanted to get it so I have it. It's not a big deal. I'm over it.

So ready to be back in Greensboro. So ready for school to be back in session. So ready to be back with my girls again. This summer has drained the life out of me. It was supposed to be great. It had its ups and downs. Mostly downs. I'm over it as well.

I'm about to go make hot chocolate and listen to acoustic music while watching the rain. I love it. Fall/Winter, please get here now. Thanks.

End.

Cue depressing music.

Life fucking sucks now. I was so happy for so long, god forbid I actually keep a smile on my face. I feel like the life is being sucked out of me. Summer is supposed to be a happy, fun time. I have a boyfriend, so I should be happy, giddy, and girly. So why do I feel like life is so miserable? Now that I have to give my boyfriend space to sort out his life, I feel like I don't have one. I feel like I'm losing my number one best friend. We're not even broken up! But I'm so used to seeing him constantly, it feels like we are. I'm so dead to everything when I'm home now. When I'm out, I'm fine. I'm happy, carefree, and people would think I'm okay. I'm NOT okay. I feel like a fucking emo kid, but it sucks. I blame love. If I wasn't in it, I would just walk away from everything and be okay. I can't though. Fuck me, right? When you find the love of your life, you want to do everything possible to push away all the bad things. The only thing I can do is leave him be. It hurts when the only thing you can do to be there for them is NOT be there. :/

I haven't heard from him since 10:20am yesterday morning. It's currently 5:30pm the next day. It's been... 31 hours. He said he doesn't want to push me away. Guess what, this is killing me and pushing me away. Even a fucking "hey, i'm alive. i love you." would suffice for me. I can't even get a goddamn "hey" out of him. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Fuck this. This writing is just making me worse.

Why?

Just... why? Why do I have to worry so damn much? Dallas Green, please put me out of my misery and to sleep right now.

I made a new blog,

but don't think you'll get to read it. It's my daily ranting about people/things in my life that I don't feel comfortable confiding in someone, because once you confide in one person, they tell one person who tells one person who tells one person, thus destroying this idea of confidence in the original person. No one will be able to read this other blog, so don't bother. I just need to get stuff off my chest and into some physical form.

I came here with nothing,

but I left with everything.

The days are winding down. Exactly a month from tomorrow until my last final. That's finally starting to hit me and stress me out. I didn't get into ECU, because I have a 2.3/2.4 and you need a 2.5 to get in, but they said to send my transcripts back after the semester is over and they'll reevaluate my stuff.

I'm ready for summer. I'm ready to be home. I'm ready to relax, and take a class at UNCW, and go on vacation to Florida. I want to go back to Chicago.

I'm really in a downer mood. I have been all afternoon/evening. I'm never like this anymore, but something about tonight...

I'm up my boyfriend's ass all the time and honestly I like it that way. I don't have to worry about drama or stupid stuff going on. We never fight. We have disagreements, but who doesn't? That's healthy! I don't know. I don't stress or get in a bad mood when I'm around him. I'm happiest around him. Everything just feels right.

Blame it on the weather, but I'm a mess.

And this February darkness has me hating everyone.

And I know I need your comfort, but this drama makes me sick.

And the longer I lay here, I know it's harder to get up without you.

Lose another day here, lose another year here, i'm with you.

Finally something out there that's making sense.

And its just another trend carefully hidden in your dress.

And this cycle's neverending, and this fashion's overdone.

And the further that I run away the further I'll come back to shelter.

Lose another day here, lose another year here, i'm with you.

You are the fire, on my apartment floor, Sixteen stories.

I'd rather burn than fall. It isn't fate, that took us all by storm.

It's just the turn of a card.

Goodbye old friend, Goodbye. Good night.

I'll move on, you'll call it fate, I'll call it karma.

We had our time, it was fun while it lasted.

I'll look back with honour and no regrets,

I won't be mad, I won't feel bad.

These memories will never leave me.

Don't be sad, because life goes on, life goes on.

It's getting too late, tomorrow is here.

Everybody wants to love,

everybody wants to be loved.

Life isn't very exciting. I've got the most amazing boyfriend ever. I miss him more and more everyday. Four days after I get home for summer, he starts school in Greenville, so I won't get much of him. I really want... no, I NEED to get into ECU. If I do, life would be a thousand times more amazing.

My friends rule. The... handful I have of them. I like it like that though. Drama free is the way to be. I'm trying to stay out of any drama, or as much as possible. Even if I act distant from everyone, I don't mean to be. It's just my way of staying out of stuff as well as focusing on school.

Only 78 days (including breaks and weekends) until classes are DONE and I can go home. I need to figure out what I'm doing schoolwise for the summer. I mean, I guess I'm taking some UNCW classes or something to transfer to either ECU or UNCG, depending on where I am in the fall.

I don't know, I just felt the need to update. There really isn't much to talk about though. And the stuff that there is, I'd rather not post all over the internet for everyone and their moms to see. I'm done.

Take me river, carry me far.

Lately, I've felt so distant from almost everything and everyone. I just feel like I need me time to straighten my life out, though there's not much to straighten out. I don't know. I'm half asleep while writing this. I still haven't had my time of the month since November, and even though I've taken a test, I still feel like something isn't right. I need to figure shit out.

"If you could go back in time, what year would you visit?"

I would easily go back to 2007. That was when life was so much simpler. I was a senior in high school. Had a huge group of tight knit friends that cared about each other. I was happy then. The worst thing happening was skipping school, but I wouldn't even redo that. We all loved each other and had each other's backs no matter what.

Don't get me wrong, I like where I am now. I just wish things weren't so dramatic and negative with everyone I used to be close to back in the day. Granted, I got pushed around and used, I was still so willing to do stuff for my friends. Because of this, I feel like I have become bitter toward all of them, thus causing myself to turn into a bitch.

I would give a lot to go back in time to that year, just to see how happy I was.

I don't know, I just need to turn the page again. I'm tired of this story. I need a new one.

How I'd love

my mom to dance with my father again...

Listening to this song makes me miss being little so much. ):

First day

of the spring semester.

I'm leaving in 5 minutes.

Update later.

Lions make you brave.

Giants give you faith.

Death is a charade.

You don't have to feel safe to feel unafraid.

I will promise myself I won't care.

Distracting myself from your stare. And I've seen this mistake once before, with your games I will never fall for. I've hung up my guns. I won't kill again. I won't forget you. I'm not gonna let you in, but I'm tired of lying, tired of fighting you, and it's not gonna change. You asked for my heart. You know that I'm down. But not the way you lie to me, you tear it all apart and beg for me to stay. I've sailed off to sea. I'm not coming back. I won't forget you. I'm not gonna let you in, but I'm tired of lying, tired of fighting you, and it's not gonna change. Counting down, make a sound. And you know it makes no sense. counting down til you mess around. I know it won't ever change.

Apparently

no one really blogs in 2010. Hahaha.

Turn of events.

Grandmommy died last night. The memorial service will most likely be on Saturday.

Zac told me he is falling in love with me. Hearing that made my heart leap, because I've been scared to say it. It's crazy how things have gone with us.

Those are the only two updates.

I never said that I didn't need you.

The last few days have been nice. Brought in the New Year with one of my best friends and my boyfriend. As weird as it was not going to Danielle's, I liked it. I actually got to have a life on New Years. Granted Tia got beer spilled on her, and we wanted to fight some girls, one included that wouldn't leave Zac alone (yes, he has a girlfriend. Respect that and get over it.) That previous girl being Morgan- Sonny's ex girlfriend. That was not a good night. But we (me, Tia, Zac, and his best friend Aaron) left and went to Tia's so we could all chill out from being heated.

I've spent so many days with Zac while home on break. It's so nice to be so comfortable in our relationship. Today makes 3 months since we got back together. It's been a fast, yet slow, 3 months. And I'm sure there will be MANY more. I'm waiting on him to pick me up and we're going out to eat and to the movies.

I'm on such a poppy/acoustic kick lately. Parachute, Matt Nathanson/Wertz/White, The District, John Mayer, Jason Reeves, Colbie Caillat... it's all because of having Pandora Radio on my phone. I should not have gotten an iPhone- it's become my life. Everything I need to know, etc is on there. This is the first time in forever I'm actually on my computer.

Anyway, I'm gonna shut up. I get tattooed in 3 days. My grandma only has a couple days left to live- I think they're putting her in hospice and dad said it would be best I didn't go visit her, that's how bad she's doing. I'm going back to Greensboro a week from tomorrow. The day after I go home, Sleep will be in Raleigh which will be rad. I'm stoked on that as well.

Also, before I forget... February 6, Conor and I are getting our sister tattoos together. I'm talking to Al about it at my appointment on Thursday. We want metal horns on our left foot (it IS our sarcastic inside joke) and she's getting "I never said that..." and I'm getting "... I didn't need you." on our right foot, a line from Boulders by New Found Glory. That's always been our song and it corresponds so much to our lives (she had a dream when I moved, that I IMed her saying that since I moved, I didn't need her anymore). So that's gonna be a lot of fun.

Okay, I'm done now.